Recruiting Session Failure
by yaySokovia
Summary: The Avengers attempt to get more members in the same way they found Wanda and Pietro. Very very noncanon


"Next please," Clint Barton sighed, waving away yet another disappointed mutant. That particular hopeful, calling himself McDonalds man, had been a mutant with the ability to make anyone and everything look and smell like a McDonalds cheeseburger. The idiot had decided to demonstrate on Wanda, making her appear quite appetizing to Thor. Of course, Thor's attempts to eat her had not gone over well with the Scarlet Witch. In the resulting chaotic gas pipe line explosion, a good deal of room had been demolished. The guy had the nerve to get back in line after that fiasco. Some people. . .

Next to Clint, Natasha also sighed, and put her head in her hands. The Widow, Clint Barton, Thor, Tony Stark, Wanda Maximoff, Steve Rogers, and Bruce Banner were sitting next to each other at a long table. Each teammate had a laptop and a water bottle. Next to Bruce's water sat a little bottle of Tylenol. The Avengers were going through the routine torture inflicted by Phil Coulson to save S.H.I.E.L.D. funding: a recruiting session. During this time, anybody with some sort of ability, mutant or other, could apply for membership with the Avengers. If the team liked the recruit, they would send the recruit's bio to Phil Coulson, who would then decide whether the recruit was right for the team.

Natasha couldn't believe how many weird people made it to the table, even with the background check. So far, the only positive result of the stupid procedure was Wanda and Pietro. Whether or not the twins were a benefit to the team was still under consideration. In Natasha's opinion, anyway.

The next person in line walked up to the table. It was a man with dark skin and a sort of a sick look on his face. Steve began,

"Sir, can I have your name, age, powers, and your current occupation please?" The man nodded nervously.

"Ok, sir. Uh...my name is Johnathon Michael. That's spelled with an 'H' and an 'O.' I am nineteen years old. I am a mutant. My power is...um...kind of weird. Perhaps I should show you." Without waiting for an answer, Johnathon shrieked, "COOKOO CLOCK!"

The Avengers stared at him in confusion. Before Wanda could say something brainless, an ominous rumbling began. Suddenly, a jet of live goldfish exploded out of the Johnathon's mouth. Steve protected Wanda with his shield, but the rest of them got blasted full in the face by the spray of little fishies. Seeing what havoc he was causing, Johnathon pointed his mouth upward. The explosion of fish, going at an estimated speed of 190mph, severed the chain holding up the light fixture. The $2,000,000 chandelier that lit the Tower lobby plummeted to the floor.

Once again, Steve protected Wanda, but everyone else had to hide under the table to shield themselves from the shards of glass. The barrage of goldfish ceased, and the afflicted mutant sat down on the floor with a plop.

"So," Tony mumbled from under the table, "You shout the word 'cookoo clock', and then you puke goldfish." Before Johnathon could reply, Natasha reached over Tony's body and tazed him. Jonathan jerked once and fell back, unconscious.

"Next." The Black Widow said, grimacing nastily at the remaining recruits over Johnathon. As the rest of the Avengers stood up and shook dying goldfish onto the floor, Bruce peeled a goldfish off his glasses and popped a Tylenol.

A confident young man stepped Johnathan's body. Before Steve could open his mouth, the man shouted,

"My name is Clarence! I am twenty two!"

"OOH! I am tventy two, too!" Wanda interrupted. Unfazed, Clarence continued,

"My power is that I have a special birthmark on my butt that-"

"NEXT!" Taking one look at the Avengers' faces, Clarence made his exit.

A girl stepped up to the table, eyeballing the stony faces of the superheroes. She was wearing a pirate hat and a shirt which loudly proclaimed "Johnny Depp: Stud Muffin." She had the words 'Johnny' and 'Depp' tattooed on her forearms.

"Uh...hi," Steve muttered doubtfully. "Can you tell us your name, age, power, and occupation?"

"Hi, ya'll," she drawled with a deep Southern accent. "My name is Johanna-Paula Rushman, and I'm twenty-nine years old. Ma powa is kind of obscure, but it could save yer life sometime."

"Oh boy," Clint said sarcastically. "An obscure power. Like you're only one who's said that..."

"Well," Johanna continued. "Ma power is, I can brain talk with parrots. But only the green and yellow ones. If they're named Polly." Tony arched his eyebrows in disbelief.

"Aaaand, how could that save our lives? In any context?"

"Well, I usually have ma attack parrot with me. She's not here rawht now. I can like, tell her to sic, and she can scratch people's eyes out. And she- say, why is that little man over there shakin'?" Bruce was trembling in the corner, his eyes huge.

"Friend Bruce! Vat ees ze matter?" Wanda gasped. Thor boomed,

"Bruce! Why art thou afraid?"

"Pa...pa...PARROTS! Parrots...killed my hamster...when I was nine! No...no..no parrots!"

"Since our dear friend Bruce is reduced to a mewling wreck at the mere mention of a parrot, I guess I will have to say..." Natasha grinned with obvious relish. Johanna-Paula shrieked in fear,

"No! Don' say it! Please!"

"...NEXT." As Johanna slunk away, Clint turned to Nat and said,

"Natasha, you are truly evil."

"Vy ees it zat every vone of zees peoples never gets to zay zeir occupation?" Wanda questioned.

"Well, Wanda," Steve explained, "It seems that all the recruits fail before they can get to that point." Tony turned to view the rest of the dramatically shortened line.

"Guys, don't talk so loudly, you're scaring away the rest of the recruits." Steve and Wanda glanced at the line, then at each other, and began talking very loudly. There were only three people left in line, two girls and a boy. When Wanda and Steve began to shout about their new hazing procedure, the man shuffled out the door, leaving the two women by themselves.

"Next?" Thor said as gently and kindly as possible. The first woman in line was a beautiful blonde.

"Ohhooo, what do we have here?" Tony drooled.

"Zeaze, Ztark," Wanda snapped. Steve started to ask for her name, age, and current occupation, but he was rudely interrupted.

"Hey, pretty boy," the woman said in a silky (RUSSIAN) accent. "My name is Helena Bellan. I am thirty years old, and I have a certain. . . skill set, that you might be interested in." Steve narrowed his eyes.

"Is she familiar to you, too?" the super soldier turned to ask Clint. Clint was about to reply when he was cut off by a primal scream.

"YEARGHHHH! Your name is not HELENA BELLAN! Your name is Yelena Belova, and you are not thirty, I am thirty! All your memories are mine! DIEEEEEEE!" Screaming, Natasha lunged over the table and latched onto Yelena's shirt with her teeth. The other Black Widow responded by grabbing a chunk of Natasha's red hair, and ruthlessly yanking off what was now evident to be a wig. This pushed Natasha into the red-zone, and Clint hastily reached over, picked up Natasha's tazer, and zapped them both, before things could get too bloody. Yelena and the now blonde Natasha hit the floor in a tangle of arms and legs.

The Avengers sat at the table silently, stunned at this turn of events. In the awkward silence, the last person stepped forward. Confidently, but politely, the girl began:

"Hello, my name is Eloise Grant. I am twenty-four, and my mutant power is shape- shifting. I can also shift my voice to whatever I want, and I have enhanced strength and agility, and speed. Would you like me to show you?"

"Uh...sure!" The entire group was shocked at her manners.

"Finally," Bruce said, smiling, "A remotely normal person!" The girl smiled and blushed. She twirled in a circle, and her body changed dramatically. She went from about 5' 3', brown hair, and hazel eyes to 6'4'", red haired, blue eyed, and buff.

"Do you like it?" Eloise questioned.

"Like it?! I LOVE it!" Natasha shrieked from under Yelena's carcass. She was ecstatic at the possibility of another sane female Avenger.

"...Urrgghh. How could such a polite, sweet girl be so...sadistic?" Natasha prowled around the Tower living room.

"Get over it, Tash. It wasn't our fault," Clint murmured, his face smashed into a couch pillow. The Avengers (minus Pietro, who was away for the weekend) were all gathered in the same room with various degrees of disappointment on their faces. The day before, after Eloise had left, they had joyously reported the candidate to Phil Coulson. After they told him about Eloise, Phil did what he always does with potential Avengers. He planted cameras in her apartment (cause that's not at all creepy). When Phil went to check the cameras in her condo, he was in for a bitter surprise. He found out, to his chagrin, that Eloise was . . . complicated. Apparently, she found great pleasure in impersonating people she didn't like and then posting humiliating videos of them supposedly doing things on the internet. Phil decided that she would not be a good potential member.

"Cheer up, guys," Steve said, trying to be positive, "Maybe the next session will go better!" Wanda rolled her eyes and grumbled, "Shoosh, friend Steven!" Natasha smacked the soldier soundly with a pillow.


End file.
